What A Day!

Okay, y'all because I love you all so much...I must share the lovely day I had.  It started out with me doing my front yard lawnscaping all by myself!  Yeah bebey!  Well, when I finished the front yard, I was ready to do the back yard.  So, I cominced to going to the back yard; when I see this massive pitbull head and shoulder through my fence.  Surprise!!!!!! I bout' soiled my pants, as he is trying his damndist to get through that fence.  I suppose because I am what you would call comfortably large and dark chocolat' I must have been looking like an overside Hershey Bar.  So, now I am pissed, I mean I am pissed off to the highest level of pisstivity!!!  I just go marching right over to Mr. neighbor dude and he does not answer his door but his truck and his card are both parked in the drive.   Ooh wee, I'm steaming mad now! I'm hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch by this time.   I gotta hurry up and cut my grass, wash hair, shower, pick out clothers for the week and get in my stamp lab and play before it's bed time.   Alright, what can I do, my mind is racing trying to figure out what the hell can I do to protect myself from ole' Cujo and his side sick (yes, they have 2 dogs, oh how lovely).  I call the neighbor on the other side of Mr. neighbor dude.  He called Mr. neighbor dude and guess what???? Yeah, Mr. neighbor dude is OUT OF TOWN!!!!  I called the local law enforcement-why, you say? Because I really needed to hear in person, that there was nothing they could do.  First, I asked if they could taze the animals, of course that was a no.  Then, I asked if we could call animal control to tranquilize the beasts just until I could finish cutting my back yard.  ANIMAL CONTROL doesn't work on the weekends.  Hmmm, I sure hope there are no emergencies regarding rabbit animals on the weekends in my town, we will be SOL!   Moving right along, Mr good neighbor dude, came over and put up some boarding (with big drill); I started thinking horrible thoughts like, hopefully the beast would impel himself (God forgive, that was horrible).  So, we get the fence situation under control.  I'm in the back yard, I start mowing the dirt with intermitten spot of grass; when I notice these holes.  They are perfectly round holes in the ground.  Because I am so curious and I love nature.  I asked my neighbor, if he too had these interesting holes in his yard.  He says, yes, they are spider holes.  I thought oh my, okay, I don't like spiders so they will have go.  I am the only one paying the mortgage, so I am the only one staying on the property by gosh!  Now, being the genius that I am and coupled with the fact that Mr. good neighbor dude failed to tell me what kind of spider holes they were (other than BIG, HAIRY and SCARY, I still don't know- I imagine this is what Satan looked like before his hair was singed off from the fire); I decided to fill the holes with a liquid double concentrated poison concoction that I got from Home Depot and mixed up on my own.  Let me just say, this stuff is FIRE IN THE HOLE, BOOM!!!  Okay, so I've douced up the holes and I'm ready to finish the back yard now.  I turned my back to get my water, took a swig, turn around again and low and behold SATAN's spawns had surfaced from the depth of the earth.   Y'all I screamed so loud and hard, I burnt my vocal cords.  You talkin' bout' a big girl running.  Honey, I was doing a remake of the OJ Simpson commercial when he was running and jumping in the airport.   Needless to say, it was over for the grass cutting in the back yard!! Uhuh, lil' momma (that's me) will not step foot in the back yard until ORKIN says the coast is clear and Satan has reclaimed his menions back to Hell.   There is evil in my back yard, pure evil!!!!